I feel as though I have been preparing my home for years. Realistically, I’ve only had my home since March, and I didn’t truly start preparing for a child until around August of 2017. HOWEVER, it feels as though I’ve been doing this for much longer. Mostly because home renovation is only fun when you are watching it on HGTV, or doing it in small doses. I had already spent months with my parents renovating my first home and getting it to look as close to a Joanna Gaines fixer-upper as we could. So imagine my surprise when July rolled around (after I had just really “finished” my first phase of reno in June) and I decided that it was time to prepare for a child.
I immediately jumped on to Pinterest (DUH, where else?) in order to begin the planning of my future child’s gender-neutral bedroom (which at that point still belonged to my roommate and friend Emily…I hope that wasn’t awkward for her). I planned the paint colors, the furniture, the theme, and then I scratched it all and planned it again and again. It was a vicious cycle. But then, as I continued through my parenting training and things began to get real, I realized that preparing for a child meant so much more than just a bedroom.
The process of getting my home “child ready” has been exhausting, physically, emotionally, and financially. In the beginning, I was in this sort of cloud where I thought that everything would be just fine and this would be smooth as silk to navigate through. It was like my first year as a teacher. I had felt that I was prepared for the job, and I went in with wonderful ideas and big plans, only to find out that the students had different plans and that it didn’t matter what the classroom looked like if they were feasting on my insecurities as a teacher. That was a long time ago though, and I’ve learned to hide them better. Now they at least think I know what I’m doing.
But with parenting, I don’t. I had no idea what was needed in order to prepare for a child. During the past several months (with lots of help), I’ve been hiding and locking away chemicals, replacing windows that would have been deemed “unsafe,” attaching lattice under my porch so that it wouldn’t become a safety hazard or a den of mischief for an adolescent, and so much more. I have been informed of things that are unsafe that I could have never even imagined. In all my years of watching HGTV, here’s what they don’t tell you. YOUR HOUSE IS A DEATH TRAP. I haven’t even gone through the safety home inspection yet, but that hasn’t stopped me from preparing. I want to be ready. I am ready. I thought I was ready. I’m not ready.
While on break from school, I planned the room again, but this time I acted on that plan. A friend and I put together an IKEA bed in record time (thank you Whitney), I ordered curtains and bedding, and then I painted a mural on the wall, just like I had pinned on Pinterest. I planned the rest of the room and decided what other furniture I would need to fill it. I planned the shelves, bookcases, and the dresser. I planned the picture frames that I would hang, empty, on the wall so that whenever I was placed with a child, they could fill them with their own artwork and photographs. I planned because I’m a planner. I planned because I want to be ready, and after I finished painting the room and saw everything coming together, I cried. I cried because I knew at some point in the future, I would have a child that would sleep and play in that room. I would have a child that I would read stories to, or help to do their homework at that built-in desk that I thought I hated. I would have a child who would scream at me and slam that freshly painted door right in my face. I cried because all of that made me so happy and grateful.
Not long ago I received a text message from a friend, and wonderful parent, who asked me if I’d be interested in some stuffed animals that her children had outgrown. I replied to that text message with “Of course, that would be great! Thank you so much!” Or…something like that. Inside, however, I began to panic. Of course, children would need toys, and books, and games, and clothes. How could I have forgotten that? Granted, I still have a way to go before I’ll even be given a chance to have a child, but I want to be as prepared as possible, so this was a major slip up to me. I cried again. This time for a completely different reason.
I realized then that no amount of planning can truly prepare me for what is about to happen. My life, as I know it, is about to be completely upheaved and I will need to find new footing. I realized that this was not, contrary to my own independent belief, something that I could truly do alone, and with a slight push from someone else, I reached out for help. This past week has been an eye-opener for me. After posting on Facebook that I was starting a collection of toys and games for different age levels, I started to receive messages from people from every aspect of my life. The generosity of people has never ceased to amaze me, and it still doesn’t, and I think I truly realized for the first time that this is not something I will be doing on my own, because I don’t have to.
For a moment, I felt as though I was drowning…and then people came to pull me from the water.