Foster care, for me, is very front-loaded. With each of my children, as they came to my home, the first stretch of months was incredibly busy. There was a lot of getting to know one another, getting acquainted with their case, lots of meetings, lots of visits, lots of papers to sign, lots of changes. There are fewer changes as things begin to settle down. In a way, it's a blessing. It gives us all time to finally fall into what our family is. The kids begin to get more comfortable. Our love for each other continues to grow. On the other hand, it can also be excruciating playing the waiting game and waiting for permanency options.
L came in September of 2018, and her case is just now on the verge of being staffed for adoption. The long stretch between the last court hearing I went to for her, in October or November, and now seems like such a long time. In that time, however, something that I didn't expect happened. Her mother contacted me.
When two people are working towards the same goal it can either be an incredibly difficult or an incredibly smooth journey. In the beginning, we were both working towards the same thing, permanency for L, though where that permanency would occur was very different for the both of us. As we progressed, that permanency slowly transformed into one plan, for L to stay here with me. I vividly remember the day in court that her mother took the stand and testified on how she would like the case to end. She stated that her wishes were for L to stay with me and to be adopted. I wrote to her shortly after that, expressing my thoughts and telling her how brave I thought she was for making such a difficult decision, but there was no contact between us afterward.
Hearing that she wished for adoption was an incredible relief for me, but also had me thinking about what the future would hold for us. Throughout the case, events occurred that had put a bit of tension between the two of us, though I know now, and knew then, that lawyers have to make some sort of case for their clients. To say that I wasn't still bitter over it would have been a lie, though. I was. I made sure to never let L know and never spoke negatively about her family, but I still held on to some of that anger. As it festered, I kept to myself instead of reaching out as I would have liked to.
With COVID-19, our family was pushed into quarantine, as was most everyone else. Though visits with her mother were not often, the chance to have any sort of face to face visit with her mother was not possible for L during this time. This was difficult for her, as she still loves her mother and enjoys seeing her. Instead, we moved to do a virtual visit in March. Shortly afterward was L's birthday, and though I had considered reaching out to her mother during this time, I didn't. On the afternoon of L's birthday, I received a Facebook message from her mother. I knew that if I opened the message it would show her I had read it, and I wasn't prepared for that. I was nervous about the message and as soon as I saw it come through, my heart began to race. I let it sit and I went forward with our at-home birthday celebration. That evening, while by myself, I opened the message. She apologized for contacting me through Facebook and asked that I just tell L Happy Birthday and that she loved her. That's all. Just a mother wishing her daughter a Happy Birthday. I sat with the message for a bit. I knew that this was in some way an olive branch, and how I reacted to it would determine a different future for our family. In the end, I did what was best for L, and I messaged her mother back.
Since then, we have messaged back and forth. I keep her updated on what L is up to and how the case is progressing, and she sends me baby pictures. A weight lifted from my shoulders that evening when she messaged me, and it gave me hope for what the future of our family could be.
For the boys, things are a bit more difficult. I had hoped for a somewhat easy transition to adoption and was led to believe that the case would head that way. However, their case is one that is complicated, since it is from out of state. A few months ago I was given the devastating news that adoption would not be an option for the boys. I was told that the judge stated he did not have the authority to terminate rights at this time, and therefore we could not move forward as planned. Instead, it was suggested that I go for legal guardianship of them both. I researched this. A lot. It left me feeling uncomfortable with this as my option. Though it would remove them from the foster care system and give me more rights, it also still allowed their family to take me to court at any time to try and get them back. Everything I saw posted about legal guardianship in the Facebook groups I'm in was negative and people expressed their preference for adoption, especially when the children were younger. Though not incredibly happy with the option I had I knew I needed to do what was best for the boys. I lawyered up and filled out the paperwork to go for legal guardianship, which will hopefully occur in the near future.
However, my fight is not yet done. The boys were asked months ago by DHHR how they would feel about adoption, before finding out it was not an option, and they were ecstatic. They let their worker know they were happy where they are and they wish to stay and become a member of the family legally. Shortly after that meeting, they started talking about changing their middle names and began asking me on an at least weekly basis when they would be adopted. I have spoken to both of them to let them know the news of legal guardianship, and while upset, I think they both understand that it's what must be done...for now. I know in my heart that I cannot be happy with just legal guardianship, and plan on working towards adoption, something my lawyer believes can be done after the guardianship is in place.
The quarantine has been difficult for the boys as well. Though not allowed contact with their family, they are allowed to see their oldest brother, something that was planned and then changed due to COVID-19. We recently met up face to face with their brother's foster family, and it couldn't have gone better. I left their home knowing that we were now just a bigger family, and knowing that I had both a friend and confidant in the mother, someone who I can talk to about my struggles as a foster parent and just vent if needed.
Our home continues to grow to accommodate our growing family. The time for a second bathroom came a long time ago, and work to begin one downstairs begins next week. Along with that, I have decided to create another bedroom for myself downstairs so that each of the kids gets a room of their own. This will not only help with the boys arguing over space but it will also give me a space to myself...with a new bathroom.
While reading over the paperwork for my legal guardianship I came across my previous home study that was done by my agency. In it, it stated that I was approved for up to six children, something I was previously unaware of. I had a good laugh over that. Six children? I can't even imagine it.
But...maybe 4.