It’s hard to believe that it’s only been a week. L and I continue to learn more about one another every day. She knows that her sad eyes and pouty face don’t work on me because, “I’m a teacher and deal with those every day, so you’re wasting your time.” I know that she is the least shy child I have ever met. She knows that when I say something, I mean it. I’ve learned how to make “dippy” eggs, shrimp, and navigated how to make dinner for the both of us (when I am the far pickier eater…thank goodness for frozen meatballs when it’s time to make spaghetti).
The week has gone rather smoothly. I’ve given reminders to have “safe hands” and “safe feet” countless times, but each day I have to do it less and less. We have fallen into a routine that she is able to do mostly on her own in the morning and at night, and we’ve almost finished our first bedtime story.
However, boundaries have been tested as well. Last weekend she had her first time out while we made cookies. After being reminded to not touch the hot pan that just came from the over, I watched as her little finger snuck up to take a swipe at the metal, and I let it happen. After she quickly pulled her finger back, I checked to be sure that she was ok and then told her that since she couldn’t follow directions, she would need to sit by herself in the living room while I finished up. Later that same day she had her second timeout after hitting the dog with his toy. There have been just as many good times as struggles though. The other day, I braided her hair, which held up for about an hour before it fell apart. She told me she was proud of me when I finished. I could have melted right there on the floor.
That first weekend together was hard (as the previous blog post outlined), but now things just feel…normal. I didn’t know exactly what to expect when beginning this. I knew my life would change drastically, having to care for another person when for so long it’s just been me and a dog. I didn’t know that in such a short period of time I could care for someone as much as I do for her.
People keep telling me how amazing I am for doing this. How wonderful a person I am. How I’m changing this girl’s life. I’m not convinced that I’m the amazing one in this situation, she is. She is incredibly resilient, she is brave, she is wonderful, and she is the one changing my life. At the start of this, I felt as though I wouldn’t be able to do it. Before she was placed here, I had told myself that I would only take one child because I was sure that was all I could handle. Now I find myself thinking that sooner or later, I will probably welcome another. Even though becoming a parent has left me incredibly exhausted, it has also made me incredibly happy.
I try not to dwell on the fact that foster care does not mean permanency. Every now and then I am reminded that this may not be my forever, and that’s hard. I tell myself that I am not the type of person to wish others harm or hope for their failure, and I will continue to hold onto that as L’s own bio family work to better themselves. There may come a time in the future when L will head back to her previous life, and as heartbreaking as that will be, I know that this is what I signed up for. For now, I will enjoy this life that we have together, and see what the future holds for both of us.
For the past few years, I had felt as though something was missing in my life. I know now that the piece that was lost was being a parent. My life has become more chaotic than I think it ever has been, but I welcome it.